The Punching Bag

Oh my god. So let me start by saying, today fucking sucked, at the start.

I had my first audit scheduled for today. I got up, got everything ready, and was ready to get something accomplished. Dressed MY level of Business Casual, to head out. So I’m talkin, my shoes and nice socks, Jack of Spades jeans, and my favorite shirt, which is a Robert Graham long sleeve that’s this deep blue with skulls printed in the fabric. I would’ve worn my Buckle-Down Venom belt, but I heard Ces in the back of my head and here trademark, “*Tsk* Really?” So instead, I put on my nicer belt, which is an Allen Edmonds belt that she got me years ago, that I could almost never fit into! (Guess this means I’m still at least keeping myself down. Yay! Depression hasn’t been kicking my ass as bad as I thought it was! GO ME!)

Okay, so now that you know just how cas I was intending to keep it, in the ‘Business’ realm. LOL! Back to everything. So I’ve got shit checked off the list, right? I actually made myself breakfast. (An English Muffin with leftover Thanksgiving ham, my favorite way to scramble an egg, and red onion on the Hamilton Beach Dual Breakfast Sandwich Maker.) Along with it, I made some French Pressed coffee and a Rolled Chocolate and Hazelnut Crepe.

After breakfast, I walked Tesla and got him put away, and I was out the door. Got into the car to get going, and all I get is a series of rapid clicks when I turn the key. Lights are dim, I get a faint ding when sitting with the door open, but it won’t fucking start. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I just drove my car the week before Thanksgiving, and it seemed fine! Sure, the week of Thanksgiving was a bit colder than the recent weeks, but FUCK man! That car’s been through colder weather than that! (Remember the BLIZZARD of 2021?! I sure fucking do! . . . . .

Actually, it wasn’t that bad of a snow week. Cuz following that was the day Tesla came into our lives, but that’s another story. Sorry, fucking squirrels!)

So at that point, problem solving mode kicks in. I’m trying to figure out what the fuck I’m gonna do. So first thought is, let’s call Josh. He should be back by now, I know he’d be fine with throwing my a solid and driving me the 2 miles to and from the gig. LMAO. Fuck, he could even drop me off and come pick me up when I’m done! Welp, fuck that idea real quick. He ain’t even left where he went to visit. *SIGH* SHITBALLS.

Mkay, so next thought is I got no other fucking choice, I gotta reschedule the gig. Ces can’t get home and tear herself away from work, to come home in time. Josh was damn sure not making it, either. Fortunately, they were cool with that, and rescheduled it to next week.

After that, I get changed and go to do a visual inspection of the car. My fucking battery was bought August 2022, so I doubt it’s that. I mean, maybe it could be, I ain’t denying that. But given the shit that’s happened to me this past year, I’m entirely sure that the fates would be so kind as to just make my brand new battery die abruptly. (If it is, though, at least I get a free replacement! So please, readers, keep your fingers crossed for me that it’s just that.)

But alas, given the symptoms I have a strong belief it’s the starter. If the battery were dead, I don’t think I’d be getting faint dings, and dim lights. I’ve had dead batteries before, and that shit would not turn on. But, maybe it’s just limping. However, if Brittany’s right and it IS the battery, it’s still NOT the battery, at the same time, most likely. Basically, I’m low-key expecting to get raked over the coals one way or another. If the battery is good, it’s my starter, but if the battery is bad, and a replacement starts my car, weeeeeeeellllllll, can ya guess what ELSE is likely to be wrong?!

If you guessed the Alternator, you COULD be right! So again, likely more money to be spend on the fucking car. And it kept me from MAKING money, today, so yeah, that’s awesome!

Anyways, so I tried to ask a neighbor for help jumping my car. When she was heading out to move her car, though, I felt rain starting. I just said “Fuck this shit” I told her I was just gonna head back inside, and deal with it later.

After Ces talked me down from frantic frustration, I chilled out and zoned for a little bit. Then I decided I’d still try to be somewhat productive, and started looking for more jobs to apply to. It’s been hard to keep the motivation to keep constant track of all the jobs I apply for, but I applied for several. One, in particular, is a bit of a ‘dream’ situation. It’s a Junior Web Project Manager position, right? So yeah, flashback to HostGator already, LoL! And on the listing, this org’s asking for three things that they say are ‘Nice to haves’.
*CLEARS THROAT* They are, as follows:

• Experience using JIRA is a strong plus, but not required. (Hah! Spent the last 4 to 5 YEARS at HostGator learning JIRA. I took LinkedIn Learning classes and figured out there’s such thing as JQL! LOL!)
• Experience using Agile methodology is a plus. (Um. . . . look, I know that because I have the certifications, does NOT mean I have the experience. But how bout you sit down and TALK to me, first, to really see if I have the experience. Just because my past JOBS didn’t hold Agile titles, you see I paid to get those certificates! So clearly, I MUST know something, right?! Let’s talk!)
• Experience with WordPress and Drupal is a plus. (OMFG Guys! Look, I spent 10 years at HostGator. Those that knew me, there, knew my level of knowledge when it came to fixing WordPress and Drupal. And they KNEW my ability, and determination, to figure out what I couldn’t!)

After some time job searching, I sat down to play a little XBox, or so I thought. Instead, I just fucking laid down and watched TV until pretty much right when Ces was about to get home. Josh called me, for a little bit, on his drive home, to check on me. At that point, I had already managed to get mostly calmed down, and then the rest of the way with the help of my lovely wife.

When he had to get off the phone, was about the time I had decided to lay down. I had, earlier, drank some water with NatureMade Calm Mind & Body. It’s really helped me to chill out, when I’ve had a particularly bad day. It’s also good to take, on the regular, too. But I had just gone a week without thinking of it, during Thanksgiving. My wife was home with me all week, what would I have to be stressed about? LoL!

So I laid down, until Ces got home, and then we sat and talked for a little bit, after I broke down to her about how tiring this shit is. The car had one issue, earlier this year, with the missing part that caused my tail lights to kill my battery! (I KNOW that ain’t the problem, now!)

After a long discussion about my views on the whole fucking job search situation, I got dressed and headed out to go jump my car. Cecily came out to help me. I had to squeeze my car into the walkway area, because it was the easiest way. Damn sure wasn’t pushing my fucking car.

Pretty much was the same result, with and without cables. Nothin but clicks.
Here’s a YouTube video, to see what I mean.

It was at about that point that I had my biggest breakdown session, in a while. I had been done for a while, but that was literally it. I fucking broke down right in front of my wife, talking about how I’m so fucking tired of feeling like a punching bag. I tried my fucking hardest to keep myself from getting into situations like these ones, and now I feel like I’ve gone and fucking put us in all of them, at once.

After that, I just put her car back, cleaned the trash out, and came back inside feeling utterly fucking defeated. After that, we sat down for dinner. We had salmon burgers with mayo, red onion, and arugula. As a side, we had the Lays Hot Chili Squid chips. They were fucking DELICOUS!

Following dinner, I had to hop on for an ALNH meeting, followed by my last Magnesium check-in for the year. It was a really great coaching course. This meeting, I was particularly sheepish. I participated, but not nearly to the degree that I had participated earlier in the year. I would respond to statements, and questions, but preferred to just be seen, and not actually heard, so I posted in chat. We talked about our goals, and where we’re NOT at. Or well, *I* talked about where *I’m* NOT in my fucking goals, this year.

During the meeting, Brittany texted me asking if I wanted to get on XBox. I said fuck it. I had originally intended to stream, today, anyways. Why the fuck not.

After the meeting, I sat with Ces to watch one more episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and then I got online.

Originally, we were going to play Destiny 2, because she recently bought all the new content to get on and run with me. When we were getting started, she was mostly in the single player starter content, anyways. Because I didn’t really feel like sitting still, I suggested we hop on MW2, tonight, instead. I invited Canadian into party, and we jumped into some Trios games. (The first one being a 3rd person POV! DAFUQ?!) We continued to hang out for most of the night, just chatting. (Or as I like to call it “Chillin’ ‘n’ killin'”) Nobody really tuned into my stream, but the fuck ever.

We just chatted about whatever we could. Brittany even showed me a fucking great Combo Loco that HEB is doing! Buy $25 in groceries, and get a $15 XBox Gift Card! Fuck! While I try to eat mostly healthy, occasional cheap snacks aren’t the absolute worst. I just have to keep it in moderation! But I could easily get $25 worth of it, that I’d actually eat!

At some point in the game, there was a crazy fucking moment where I was being hunted by an opposing team. It was FUCKING insanity! I kept getting fucking wrekt! Thankfully, Brittany and Canadian managed to keep me up! The two of them continually reviving me, I’d get up JUST long enough to empty a magazine into one opponent, finishing them off, only to be taken back down! Thankfully, my help was JUST ENOUGH, that they were able to finish the rest of the team off, and finally revive me! (Clip to come, later.)

At that point, I really had felt like a fucking punching bag! JFC, I almost wanted to get upset about that, too, but truthfully, I couldn’t. My friends had my back. As stupid as it fucking sounds, but it’s weird how even the most trivial of experiences can help you feel better about a shit day. Those two fucking kept me from fully going down. Just like my wife, earlier today, kept me from spiraling further down the SHIT HOLE that was this day.

After we wrapped our last game, I hopped off and watched a little tv while surfing the internet. After traveling down a rabbit hole of articles, and other shit, I found something about creating journals for sale. I saw the process, and I immediately was like “I could fucking do that!”

And so, I did. LoL! I went through and found a piece of digital art that I did, back in High School, and made a pretty slick looking 120 page 6″x9″ lined journal, with my digital art on the front and back cover, and in a glossy cover, cuz SHIIIIIIIINY. I call it ‘Flame Rose’.

It’s been one that I was most particularly proud of. So as soon as that gets published, in 72 hours from 1 A.M., I’ll be posting the link on where to purchase my first published journal, with digital art I created in High School! (Go me! I did something constructive, today!) Once that process was finished, I felt I could actually go to sleep.

Now to head to bed, and get up to take her to work and figure shit out with the car.

*Exhausted* Yay.