So things are starting to slow down a bit. And lately I’ve been having to think of my past a lot. I’ve finally scheduled another meeting with the Texas Veteran’s Commission to discuss my disability rating. This time I have a buddy letter written from my best friend, Josh, that I’m hoping will help.
Preparing for this again has gotten me thinking about the crap I dealt with in my Basic cycle, and how I’ve begun to feel in a lot of ways that the fucking torture I endured in my cycle was actually a target of my newly diagnosed disability. Wouldn’t that be a bit ironic, I hated everyone because I knew I wasn’t like them, and they wind up hating me because of exactly the same thing! LoL.
Early in the cycle I actually became injured before it ever even started. Turns out that I had boots that were way too tight for my feet and during the first week at in-processing, they destroyed my heels. Sadly, I didn’t get to a med tent in time before the weekend, so I had to wait til Monday to go to sick call. Only problem was, they went so long in the boots getting rubbed more, that the doctor actually said they were borderline gangrene! I was put on a soft shoe profile until further notice, and Drill Sgt. Huffman actually said to not have shoes on in the bay, to allow to air out. So he expressly ordered me to always be in shower shoes.
I still tried to do the best I could to not miss events, and the first one was the rappelling down a wall. I loved that from my mountain climbing class at UTSA, so I really wanted to go. I managed to impress Drill Sgt. Huffman when I still rappelled in soft shoes and injured heels. LoL!
Anyways, while there for the exercise, I was allowed to sit and rest once I was done, which I got to go early to get it out of the way fast, too. That was around the time I was first getting to know Ivey and Laughman, who I’m thankful for having known during the cycle, because of the help they were. But there was one dude, Brody, that just loved to fuck with me for whatever fucking reason. So anyways, he and his little ‘crew’ (flashback to High School when shit head McGee decided to try to punk me for hugging his girlfriend, begin) came over to fuck with me. He was all bitching about how I’m not wearing boots, I’m a pussy, blah blah blah. And I just looked at him like he’s fucking stupid. Here I am a 25 year old college grad. I’m not about to take this shit from a stupid punk ass kid just because he’s got family in the service, himself. I flat out told him “I’ve got nothing to prove to you about my injury, but if you’d like to see, come to the bay after this. I’d love to show you.” That’s also when Laughman and Ivey first stood up for me and I knew that these two were the dudes I wanted to stay on the good sides of as long as I could. LoL! They both were like “Naw dude, you’ve got no fucking idea. This dude should be laying down but he keeps trucking.” Which was true. I honestly wish I could’ve had my phone to document that picture, cuz it was fucking gnarly. (In case you haven’t heard, newer BCT cycles actually are getting their phones.)
Aaaaaaanyways, Brody continued to be a fucking hassle and thorn in my side for most the cycle. At least until post Exodus leave! That’s when I got to listen to him get his comeuppance. When First Sgt called him over to chat, during an exercise my squad and I were supposed to go next on. The FIRST question that got asked of Brody was simply “Sooooo did ya smoke it or snort it.” and I about bust out laughing, and immediately asked Laughman “OMFG dude, can we PLEASE wait this out and let them go next?!” Sadly, the Drill Sgt running it pushed us to go, so I didn’t get to hear much more. But evidently, shit head pissed hit for Crystal Meth coming back from Christmas leave. So thankfully I actually didn’t have to deal with him for the whole cycle.
However, I dealt with a shit load more than just him.
There was this other asshat named Shannon. He was a roid raged out high school football player from hell, with a huge superiority complex. This guy was the biggest thorn in my paw, and kept his boot on my throat, figuratively. (Although if he’d been given the chance, he probably would’ve curb stomped me.) There was one time we were working with our camping gear setting it up, and I got my tent together. Shannon decided to make some sort of comment, that I can’t really remember now, but I do remember that I simply said “I didn’t ask for your opinion, and when I want one, I wouldn’t ask you first.” Cuz I was just already tired of his shit. He had already been harassing me during the day. Well, when we’re back in the bay and I’m done putting my shoes back on and about to go back out, alone mind you, evidently Shannon noticed I was left without a battle buddy and just HAD to stay behind for me. *cough* My ass. This motherfucker cornered me between my bunk and my locker, and gets square into my face threatening to beat my ass and throw me out the window and shit like that, just because he didn’t like what I said. Instantly my mind raced back to high school and similar situations, and how I got out of it. Immediately I remembered how in High School I’d simply say some of the craziest shit to off put the assholes, and then get the fuck out of the way. Luckily my locker was locked and I was ready to grab my rifle anyways. Since it was hanging in just the right way, I just grabbed it off my bunk with the butt stock aimed right at his square chiseled jaw. (Look, I can’t lie the dude didn’t look bad, he was just a fucking dick.) And I simply told him “You wanna be counting your teeth as you pick them back up? Because I’m not afraid to use this, cuz I KNOW I’m not going to win against your roid raged out ass, you unstable fuck.” and then as he hesitated I pushed through him to get the fuck out of there. I ran downstairs in a panic and told Laughman and Ivey what happened. It was from that point on that one of those two were always with me, because I NEVER felt safe. (To put a timeline to things, this incident with Shannon was also early on, as we were testing all our equipment to get ready for the real cycle to begin.)
So yeah, as you can see I was making friends left and right! LMFAO!
Almost every day it was some fucking thing or another. Here I am a fucking college grad in a heightened state of anxiety, CONSTANTLY. Look, I got bullied in High School, but FUCK THAT, that was nothing. I felt safe in High School. You wanna know why?! Cuz I not only had a LOT of friends that had my back, I had a real cadre to go to for help. My principals and assistant principals. However, when you’re in the military, when you complain about ‘bullying’ all you get told is ‘Get the sand out of your vagina and deal with it.’ which is totally constructive.
Unfortunately, there were some cadre that were kind of their own bullies, without even knowing it. (Look, before I get the crap about “This is how Drill Sgt’s are.” and shit like that, I get that, I do, but the shit I feel I received was a bit unforgiveable.) For example, when I had to first introduce myself to my unit, when we were all doing our little lovey dovey sharing moment about ourselves. What I couldn’t get over, when it was going on, was that nobody else gave a shit about being at parade rest when addressing. So I, of course, stood in parade rest when introducing myself and explaining that I was a senior in college looking to go back and finish my degree and become an officer that helps his unit. Drill Sgt. Bohn was the one asking the questions, and his response was “You don’t get out much, do you?” basically. When I explained I was here to do a job and do good at it, his only response was a cold hard stare looking at me and saying “You and I are gonna have fun.” as if I’m suddenly on his radar.
Only thing is, he actually didn’t target me the whole cycle. Because later that same day, this other dude from another unit came bolting past mine in line for the DFAC (dining facility), and Bohn stops him all “Woah woah woah, where the fuck are you going?” and when he tried explaining that his unit was already eating, but he had to run back, the dude got smoked and yelled at up and down. Then after that, Bohn actually looked to me and as he made the dude go to the back of our line, he told me to thank this individual, because he has now taken all the heat off me for the cycle.
I tried not to, but of course they like to lord the power over you, so you have to when told. I felt fucking horrible for saying that, too, because later in the cycle, that dude tried hanging himself, which is what led to Michelle Obama coming to speak at our cycle’s graduation to discuss soldier suicide.
I’m pretty sure that Bohn’s targeting was a huge source of that dude’s stress and anxiety, and I wonder if he had people to help protect his mental health in his unit, like I did. I did try to apologize to him and tell him I didn’t REALLY feel thankful for him. But I’m not sure he was ever willing to listen to me.
I’d even get just random lashes, too. Like one time I was reading a book on my friend’s bunk, b/c I had a top bunk, and this one dude, Pollard, who looks like fucking Michaelangelo the Ninja Turtle, if you were to paint his bald head green and put an orange bandana on him! He just stares at me randomly, and as I look up from my book I see him and lock eyes. All I could think to say was “Yes? Can I help you?” to which his response was simply “You look so fucking retarded I wanna hit you.” and I’m just like “What the fuck dude?! I’m not even bothering you!” Like for fucking real?! I’m sitting here in basic training and dealing with this same High School shit again?! It reminds me of the time the dude randomly commented on my Hellsing patch in class, basically calling it stupid. However, I didn’t have a teacher to go bail to and be by the door as class let out, so I had to choose my words more carefully or risk a beat down from this clearly fucking psychopath! (I swear to fucking god I think they need to do more mental health screenings than what I went through before enlisting, because they really need to test for a lot of sociopathic tendencies, too! The wrong environment and these people can be FUCKING DEADLY!)
I was still thankful for guys like Laughman and Ivey. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have EVER felt safe. They just basically helped keep me close, which really saved my life. I remember the biggest moment when Laughman stood up for me. It was during a stupid exercise where we had to write a positive and a negative thing about a solder in our unit, that would ALL be read aloud by Drill Sgt. Bohn. (Go figure, he’d be the one for this exercise in mental fucking torture, too.) Everyone else got complimentary remarks, but over 60% of the unit’s negative remarks appeared to be aimed at me and my ‘musk’. All would complain about my odor when it was hot and I sweat profusely. And they didn’t JUST complain. They went so far as to say shit like “I would not want to go down range with PFC Marsh because I’d fear his scent would give away our location and get us killed.” and more shit like that! It eventually took Laughman to stand up and flat out call Bohn out on this saying it was bullshit, and that he even sees me showering both in the morning AND night, because of this stress. And that this was causing undue mental distress. However, it kept going and I just had to keep listening to him and Ivey tell me to not listen to them, they know I bathe. Which I tried to not care, but well given the fact that I knew my MOS was going to have me part ways with these two, that’s around the time that my anxiety attacks first occurred. That evening I had panic attacks going on that the two of them, and our friend Veneziano, all helped calm me down from. He was from a different platoon, but was a hold over in our bay because of the fact that his unit’s bay was the female bay. So the males from that Platoon got split in all the male bays. I still chat with him occasionally, too.
Anyways, if it wasn’t for the three of them helping me, I would’ve gone crazy that night.
There was also a time when the great jokers in my unit decided to take it beyond the point of mental attacks, and into physical attacks. (At least I’m pretty sure, when I look back now.)
I got Pink-eye for the first time in my life, EVER, in BCT. It was the day after laundry turn over that it occurred, too. We got fresh sheets and pillow cases, and the next morning I woke up and my eye was all pussy and swollen shut. I had to rush to the sick call, and nobody would come near me for fear of contagion. They accused me of wiping shit in my eyes, or whatever. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my brand new pillow case was practically shat on from some pant less asshole as a joke.
We even discussed it in our small group, too. I told them I was really suspicious of it.
The fact of the matter is I was bullied in school, all through school. However, I felt safer in those environments, because I knew how to use that environment to my advantage. Unfortunately, the military wasn’t quite so friendly for my type, it felt, and that wasn’t the safest environment for me to be able to manage the stresses of the typical high school bullies, and when it’s in ACTUAL life or death situations, where you ideally should ALL be working together to stay alive, I can honestly say that there was no other time quite like my time in basic training.